Insecurities.

  If anyone knows me in real life, you probably know that I'm a pretty tough cookie. I will act like nothing phases me. I will not a give a fuck. Call me f-a-t, bitch please. You probably have told me you wish you had my blunt honesty & don't give a fuck attitude. And yes, it's amazing being like this but deep down beneath all the layers of makeup(and fat), I am human.

  So sure, I can go on about life with my pussy showing and not caring who sees it but only giving a fuck about who's eating it. Thing is though, that sometimes I get really, really insecure. And it's not with my body image or what people think of me but I get super scared of being left. And it's hard writing this because it's a sensitive topic for me but I'm sure many could relate to me.
 
  In the beginning of the relationship, everything is fine and dandy, for me. I fall too quickly and get hurt too soon(read previous blog "Nurturing Type") but I also feels it's my fault. I'm always nagging about their ex girlfriends, because of the situation I put myself in by getting a relationship after they're single for not too long. I put myself in that position. I bring them up all the time. I ask dumb questions. I pick stupid fights. I open doors that are closed. I keep looking for answers that are irrevelant to my relationship. & sometimes, I find out shit/see stuff that I don't even want to see. & when I see proof that someone was happy with the person I'm wtih prior to me I get anxious. So soo, anxious. I throw up. I overthink it. It gets pretty bad. I wont even the extremes I went through to dig up some dirt. Two words RAT PACK(inside joke :P)I mean in the end it was okay because I mean it ended up confirming my fears but I can't help but wonder if things would have turned out different if I wouldn't have done all that shit...

  Anyways, so fast forward to tonight, where I saw stuff I didn't want to see. It kills me. And I hate myself because it shouldn't. I had boyfriend before. I took pictures with them as well. I told them I loved them so why is it so hard for me to look at someone who was in my boyfriends past?I'll never know. One of my good friends says he's exactly like this. He says it's some sort of ocd & not healthy but then again he's Jewish(no racial).

  Point of me writing this is, if you feel this way too, you're not alone. &we should probably start some AA type of support group shit for girls/boys like us. It's totally okay to check up on your ex once in a while and see what bitch he's dating so you can laugh and be like "OMG WTF WAS I THINKING, LIKE SERIOUSLY?!" and laughing with your girlfriends about it. Every girl does that. And if you don't, you're lying to yourself :P except if you're boyfriend left you for me, sucks to be you ahahahaha. jk. No but seriously, it sucks. I tried telling my boyfriend about it and he said he's okay with it & he'll help me out but I can see it irks him.

  I don't want to lose him because he's seriously the best things that's happened to me in years. He gives me butterflies every time I see  him. And all I can think about is how much it's gonna suck if he dumps me because of rhis issue of me being so damn insecure for stupid shit like this. Like the sad thing is that, I know what I'm doing is stupid. And I beat myself over it and bitch about it to J or M as soon as I finsh...
The only explanation I can come up with why I do this shit is because of me getting cheated on all the time, and hanging out with scumbags at how easy guys fall for the power of the p-u-s-s-y. or d-i-c-k. And sometimes I feel I should be prepared so that I don't get hurt. So that I can be prepared...but what if there's nothing to be prepared for? What if he's really the one that's different from everyone else...but then again what if he's not....

Riri, if you read this I love you.
Waaaaaaaaaaah :(

xo,
Tri$ha

or to make a long story short...THIS.